My focus and energy feel so scarce in the face of all I have to do, just to catch up with myself.
My degree should of course be high on the list, but I’m finding that incredible difficult to put my energy towards. Because I don’t like my lecturers (who always ask too many questions about why I’ve been away) or my peers (smug, I-told-you-so types).
My body is something I find easier to prioritise. Compulsive eating is something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately. I’m usually pretty good with food, but when I’m stressed out, under pressure, I lose control, like eating is the only way I know to claim time and space in my life for myself. I’ve been running a lot too. That’s been good. The only problem is that I can only run when I’ve had enough rest, which isn’t a given. Which brings us back to sleep. I find it very hard to sleep at night and I wake up often, but then all day when I’m doing other things all I can think of is how easy it’d be to just find a soft seat or to go home, and to nod off. I’ve done that already this week. Insomnia’s been with me on and off since I was about 10, but I’ve never got the hang of dealing with it.
My friendships have always been most important of all. And they still are. But I feel overwhelmed by having to upkeep a lot of relationships at the moment. In a lot of them, I am the listening, caring, supporting party most of the time. It’s hard to pull back and say I can’t do all that right now, not for everyone.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t have time for everyone. And that’s even harder. It’s hard to say no to someone who will use up more of me than I can replenish, knowing that I’ve said yes to a similar offer from someone who recharges my batteries. It feels exploitative.
But I have to. It’s the only way.