I should be in a seminar. I am in fact at university – in the library. I am not going because I didn’t get to the lecture the seminar pertains to yesterday. And because the lecturer’s been known to come and ask me questions in seminars I don’t want to answer.
‘Why don’t you have the class notes from last week’s lectures?’
‘I’ve not finished catching up yet, I’ve been copying them out.’
‘Well why weren’t you here?’
I don’t want to tell him. I understand why he wants to know. But I don’t trust him to understand. I don’t want to tell him about the suicide, about how it’s riven my friendship group, about how guilty I feel. About how I can’t sleep at night. About how panicky and close to tears I often feel in lectures.
So I wasn’t there yesterday. I’d had a very bad night’s sleep (due in part to not setting very good boundaries and staying up listening to someone I hardly know talk about himself for ages because I didn’t know how to politely end the conversation). I feel very angry about that. I’ve less emotional energy than I usually do to spend on people, and I feel like he’s gobbled it up when really I need what little I have for me and for my actual friends. Entitled dick. Does he think I’ve nothing else to do, just because he does? I suppose he might.
I’m very worried about not catching up on my coursework – so much that I’m scared to attend seminars lest the lecturers see how much I’m struggling. I know, it’s nonsensical, but I’ve only a very loose and clumsy grasp on my behaviour these days. I’ve been very impulsive. It frightens me, how little control I have over myself.
So I’ve asked for help. From my university’s counselling service. They’ve been shit and never answered before, but I’m desperate. I don’t hold out much hope. But I don’t know where else to go.